I Survived

In the Doghouse

Flap Flap Flap

Throwing Shade

If I had a nickel for every dirty look my dog gave me, I could buy a nicer dog.

(but I wouldn’t, cause I love that sassy pup)

Pervert

That moment when you’re pretty sure your boss thinks you’re a sex maniac.

Chelsy & Friends

Since I am SO FREAKING BAD at updating Instant Lo, you all should check out my friend Chelsy’s blog! It’s comedy gold!

What Happened?

Sorry for the eight month absence! I’m back, and ready to post silly thoughts and crazy things my friends say!

Crispy Pickle

Bananas III

I only ate two bananas today. I think I’m falling behind.

Update: I just ate a third. Everything’s good.

Sweaty

Dear god, the “meat sweats”are a real thing, and boy do I have a raging case.

Bananas II

I am so fucking happy right now.

Bananas

I have had the weirdest, most intense craving for bananas this entire week. Like, I’d be totally happy eating an entire bunch…by myself…every single day.

Since I’m definitely not pregnant, I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be dying.

Please send bananas to my funeral in lieu of flowers.

Life Motto

Meat Sack

Guessing Games

Ah summer, also know as the season of, “Is that…is that me making that smell?”

Scent

Today I discovered the smell of unadulterated joy:

Wet dog.

Serious Questions

Fire & Blood (and Broke)

I spent nearly $100 on Game of Thrones books today — including a history of Westoros. I don’t feel even the slightest tinge of buyers remorse. #geeklife

Cosmetic Creeper

A lady caught me staring at her today and probably thought that I was some kind of weirdo. In reality, I was just admiring her perfectly applied highlighter.

Witchy Ways

Pretty sure my obsession with lipstick started in 1989 when four year old Lo first saw this moment in cinematic history:

 

First Harvest

As I added an armful of tomatoes to the growing pile on the counter, it suddenly dawned on me that planting five tomato plants was a really bad idea.

Especially since I don’t like tomatoes that much.

 

A Different Tune

Me: *talking about nothing*

Chelsy: I didn’t mean to tune you out, by I totally just did a little.

Summer Woes

Did you ever notice that the words ‘heat’ and ‘hate’ are made up of the same letters?

I did.

This heat better kill me before I kill it.

Cauliflower Pt. II

That moment when you remember searching Google to find out how cauliflower works, but realize you totally forgot how to cut it.

Xanax

The Future

All I really want from the 21st century is a self-cleaning house. Fuck flying cars, the infrastructure alone would be a god damned nightmare.

Straw

Inappropes!

Slurp

If I could ask my dogs one thing, I’d ask them why they are content to lick the couch for half an hour straight.

So fucking weird.

Time Warp

The combination of Xanax, depression, lack of sleep, not enough food, borderline dehydration, and nonstop work this weekend was enough to make me totally forget to post for the last three days.

My bad.